The BIG Game, and Why I Chose WLS

Well, my birthday was last week.  I was kind of dreading it, because it was my first after getting divorced.
I worked on my actual birthday, and it was awful.  It was payday, and everyone was there cashing checks.  At one point, I literally ran out of money.  I'd given one customer $200 in $5's and had a line of angry impatient people glaring at me.  All I could do was apologize, say I'm getting a loan, and then say "its my birthday, you can't be mad at me.  :)"  

So, the next day I went to the University of Texas vs Brigham Young University game at UT in Austin as my birthday present.
I'd heard about it through the mid-singles facebook page, so I assumed it was a mid-singles activity.  I imagined meeting some older guys, and having fun at the game making new friends.
Yeah, nope.....
It was a BYU Alumni sponsored event.  So, my friend and I went up, and at the tailgate party, were surrounded by BYU alum and families and couples and most of them had flown down from Utah.
It was still fun, but not what we expected.

Tail Gating

The game too, was fun, but again, not what we expected.  We were in the very very very top section.  It made it nice though, because we could lean against the railing on our backs.

I learned right away that I am a UT girl.  I wasn't sure which way I'd go at first, and the second it started, I knew.  This made sitting in the BYU section awkward!  They'd all stand and cheer and I'd sit there, and when it was our defense up, and we needed to be noisy, or we'd score, I'd be hooping and hollering, nearly by my lonesome. 



I loved all the band stuff.  Made me miss marching band, and wish I could be in a university band.  I was impressed.

The game itself was really close.  BYU was in the lead most of the game, with 2 field goals, and the UT scored a touchdown and fieldgoal, leading by 1.  Luckily, they held onto the lead, and won the game!!  YAY! 

Coming onto the field

After UT won



I had a good time, even if it wasn't what I'd anticipated.  I did however really really feel the void of my (ex)husband not being there.  UT is HIS team.  Half his wardrobe is UT shirts.  I thought about him close to the entire time, and how he woulda loved it.  How he shoulda been there.  :/


The next day, I gave a talk at church on Prophets of God during Sacrament meeting.  I went over my allotted time, but I think I delivered a good talk.  :)

Here's the outfit I wore last week.....

As for my weight loss progress.....I've hit a slump.  Again, it happens every other month at the very least. I start eating more and more carbs, and can't stop.  I couldn't turn down the cake in the breakroom, or the leftovers my friend left for me.  Or the candy I'd split with people. 
UGH.
I'm certainly not losing right now, if anything I've gained a pound or two....  :P
But I've acknowledged it, and am TRYING HARD to stop. 
I'm obsessed with the Popsicle brand sugar free popsicles.  I eat probably 10 a day.  They're only like 5 carbs.  (which, do the math, that's a lot of carbs, I know, but shhh!!)

IF I am strict on my diet, here's how my daily meals tend to go.....
Morning:  hard boiled egg, or protein shake (PS)
Lunch: chicken or tuna salad, or egg, PS, or cheese
Breaks at work/snack: cheese stick, and nuts
Dinner: fajita chicken meat, or PS, or crab meat, or cheese, or turkey dog, or pork rhinds and cheese dip.

Really very little variation.  I've even gotten comments about it at work.  I don't do many veggies, because its a "waste" of tummy space when I need to get in my proteins.
Fruit is all carbs, and makes my stomach hurt, even though I've bought some this grocery trip. 
No breads unless I'm cheating, but I do have some crackers with my chicken salad.

I take a TON of vitamins to make up for my lack of fruits and veggies.  Every blood test I've taken post surgery shows good levels.

I can consume between 3-6 oz.  I have pushed past it before, and I severely regret it afterward. 

I've had a few people question my decision on doing weight loss surgery lately.  I think it's because I'm at a point where I'm not SEVERELY overweight anymore, and it seems like a cop-out.
I even had someone call me a cheater.
As you can see from my daily meal plan, there's nothing EASY about this.  I KNOW when I eat carbs, I will stop my weight loss, and potentially gain.  I am human, and I can only be strong for so long before breaking.  I do my best to fix it though.

My weight loss surgery has changed my life.  I was 307 lbs.  I was depressed, and in chronic pain in my foot every single day.  I was pre diabetic and had fertility problems.  And on A LOT of medication.
Today, I've lost 92 lbs, can walk long distances with little concern towards my feet, have my blood sugar well under control, and feel less depressed now (divorce and all) than I did back then.

I had tried Weight Watchers, and lost 55 lbs in a year.  Had I not torn a ligament and gotten nerve damage in my foot, I may have been able to continue that trend, and lost all that I needed to.  Unfortunately, my injury kept me from exercising at all, and I gained it all back. 
For me, WLS was my option.  It was my saving grace. 
It may have caused additional problems in my marriage, but it didn't cause them all.
And, there's NO way I would be as well off as I currently am IF I was still 307 lb, broken, sad Manda.

I may look different, but I FEEL like me.  I honestly, for the most part, still feel like I did 92 lbs ago.  I'm still Manda, I'm still a goof, I just don't feel fat, don't hurt, and am not depressed.

I am however, lonely.  I'm trying to make good choices, and not depend on a warm body, just because it's there.  My counsellor wants me to focus on working on me, and not replacing my husband. 
I know she's right, and that's pretty much is what it still is at this point. 
I'm just lonely and impatient.  I'm ready to start my family and live "happily ever after".  Not be single and struggle to survive on my own.  BLUGH. 

Ok, I went off on a side road there. 
In summary, I do not regret my decision to have weight loss surgery one bit.  It's NOT an easy way out by any means.  It was a ridiculously painful surgery, and the strictest diet I've ever been on. 
But like I said pre-surgery, it's worth it to me to sacrifice food to have my health, to be able to walk, and to have a baby. 
For any of you out there considering it, just weigh the pros and cons out.  Can you try a strict diet on your own first?  GO FOR IT, and if there's something in the way (like my foot injury), then this may be for you. 

Ok, good luck, be safe, and good night!!
Manda

Everything's Changing (Again)

First of all, let me just say, I think it's awesome that I actually have "readers", and that they actually want me to post!!  :D   THANKS VIV!!

It's been a little while since I posted, and I know I even said I'd post a picture of the new hair color.  Well, I TOOK the picture, I just didn't post it.  Heee.

So, here are a few of the last couple week's progress pictures.

I think this is post-dying.  Yes.  Indeed.

This was a few weeks ago.

About 2 Weeks Ago......

This was taken today.  Excuse the scruffy-ness.  Just got back from work.

Down 92 lbs.  Woot.

I look like a goober here.  Der.....

Oh, and I re-did my roots, and went a little blonder in the process.

School started last week.  It's gonna be tough..   I'm in pharmacology.  I'm glad I'm ONLY in that one class this semester.  It's gonna take all I got to stay up with it.

Work is good.  We're down a few people, so it's pretty much one person per shift.  You should hear all the comments we get from impatient people in line.  It REEEALLY sucks on paydays, and the line is out the door, and it's still just little ol me plugging away, one person at a time.

I hit another "milestone" I guess.  I am now down 92 lbs, and hit 215.   Ironically, I haven't gone down a size exactly, but the clothes I have are getting saggy.  I have a belt that I couldn't wear til I'd lost like 50 lbs, and now, I need to add belt holes to it, cuz it's not tight enough.

I started the Singles Branch.  It was a rough transition at first.  I completely and utterly missed my "home ward", and felt all out of place there.  But, about 3 weeks later, I am starting to make friends, and am not feeling like the odd man out anymore.  I like it.  I had had delusions of grandeur that I'd instantly meet cute mormon guys and we'd date.  Well.....the Lord is teaching me humility and patience.  I have a plethora of non-mormon, and retired gentlemen hitting on me, but none that I want to accept.

So, remember last post, the guy who said "hey Gorgeous" to me?  Yeah, we went out.  (I'm a sucker, I know).  He checked out a drink at my register, and wrote his number on the back of the receipt, and folded it up and handed it to me.  I actually have never had a guy give me his digits before. 

We texted some, then hung out some.  We sort of are dating, but not really.  He's technically the closest thing to the guy in my life, but.....yeah not really.  It's fizzled quite a bit here lately too.

I had a friend come temporarily move in with me.  Her and her two kids and two cats.  It's a very very full house now.  We were playing it by ear whether or not to make it permanent, and it looks like it won't be.  But that's been a big chunk of my time too.  Moving around and packing up things, to make room, and cleaning, and hanging out.  It's different with people around again.

My Ginger girl had to have surgery on her knee last week.  She tore her ACL.  She was forced to stay in a cage and be leashed walked all before surgery, and now for 8 weeks post surgery.  She's being a good sport, but is very much tired of being cooped up.  So, at night, I let her on the bed still.  Cuz otherwise she was freaking out in the cage by my bed, and waking me up every 2 hours and panting like a maniac.  So, for my sanity.....I caved.

Close up of her shaved bum and stitches.  She's been licking at em, hence the red.

Yes, I caved again, she's not cage bound.....as long as she stays calm.  :P

Um, I guess lastly is the divorce.  It's final.  It went down on the 18th.  I had a newer friend come with me, and I'm glad she was there.  It was sad, yes, definitely, but it was more disappointing than anything.  This just feels like such a waste of such a good thing.  He and I had something very rare.  And through losing the gospel in our lives, and taking each other for granted, we lost that spark, that special-ness. 

As per my counseler's advice, I told him I still loved him.  I don't want anything from him, nor do I expect anything back, but I wanted him to know.  My mistake was, even though I didn't expect anything in return, I started to hope for it.  I started planning "our" future together again.  And.....I inevitably got yet another response that crashed me back down to earth. 

I'm not gonna say we'll never get back together again, anything is possible..... but I need to stop planning on it.  Or wishing for it.  I KNOW what I want.  I want a worthy priesthood holder, and to have an actual temple marriage for once.  I had a temple marriage on the surface only before.

I made a list of what I want in an eternal companion.....

It's like super long, and probably picky, but there's a lot of good stuff in it too. 

• loving
• caring
• kind
• funny
• cute
• respectful
• animal lover
• Mormon
• Priesthood Holder
• temple recommend
• Return Missionary
• wants big family
• education
• good job/income
• potential
• my age +/- 5 years
• calm
• peaceful
• receptive of the Spirit
• good family
• not military (haha)
• sweet
• humble
• God fearing
• music lover
• active
• healthy
• eats healthy
• can and will cherish me
• willing to lose a fight
• charitable
• Christlike
• does service
• will help support my animal rescue dream
• non-drinker
• non-smoker
• non-swearer
• bigger/stronger than me
• thinks I'm adorable (cuz I like am...)
• won't look at anyone else
• can talk to me about anything
• good role model
• no tattoos
• obeys Word of Wisdom
• not a work-a-holic
• handyman
• good with kids
• Good father
• good husband
• prays
• makes me feel wanted and loved
• supports my career
• trustworthy
• honorable
• scout/eaglescout/likes to camp
• I can be myself with him
• forgiving
• has a strong testimony

Yes, i know probably no one can live up to ALL of this, but a lot of these are similar, and a LOT are super important as well.  I'm trying to focus only on guys who can actually live up to this.  I'm also trying to realize....that.....as much as I may want it, it's no longer how I can describe my (ex) husband.  That makes me sad, but I'm a big girl, and I'm moving on. 

:)  I promise to keep up with the writing more.  NIGHT!!!!

Feeling Contemplative....

This will probably be a semi-long blog, but I've been thinking a lot.....

It has dawned on me that God has been removing people from my life who are not good for me, for whatever reason.  And almost in every circumstance, these people just STOP talking to me.  Even when I literally crawl on my hands and knees and beg their forgiveness (even if I did nothing wrong), these people will not even respond to me.
It has been excrutiating, but now, seeing the pattern, I can see God's hand in it.  He knows me.  He knows I do not let go of people, ever, and he makes a way for me to let go.
It doesn't really make it easier when it happens, but it does help me to keep from dwelling on the lost relationship.

Ironically, my husband fits into this category.  He did not stop talking to me, but he did want to remove himself completely from me.  I see that he is a "bad" influence for me, and unfortunately, so did he and the Lord.  I have accepted the loss of this relationship.  It saddens me, but its just something that happened.

The reason I am talking about this topic now, is because I have very recently lost a new friend from work.  We became close friends quickly, and I don't know why, but what feels like overnight, they stopped being my friend.  No reason, no talking, no eye contact.  Seriously bad de-ja-vu, except now I still see this person semi-daily, whereas the other lost friends just disappeared out of my life. 
I consider myself a decent person, not perfect by any means, but when I do wrong to someone, as soon as I realize it, I apologize, and try to rectify the situation.  I just wish I knew what I did. 

Ok, changing subject.
Less than 2 weeks to go til I'm single and on the prowl. 
I had a guy at work say "how you been Gorgeous?".  Hee.  I had to look up to see if he was actually talking to me.   I automatically love him.  LOL, just kidding....kinda. 
I have a bad habit of being interested in people BECAUSE they're interested in me.   No doubt a product of low self esteem over the years. 
I've caught the eye of probably every Hispanic gentleman in the store.  They're quite vocal about it, and give me "the look".  Which, often times creeps me out.  Specially when they're customers and muttering "sexy" stuff under their breath.  *shudders*
I had a stalker for a while.  Literal, genuine stalker.  Retired hispanic in a wheelchair customer - oh baby.
Started out he was just telling me I had a beautiful smile.  Then, I was the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen.  Then he wanted to write me a love letter.  Then, he wanted my phone number, a picture, and to take me out to lunch.  When I'd say NO, he started saying "I love you" over and over and louder and louder. 
Yeah, I had to report him.  I haven't seen him in weeks thank goodness! 

I told myself I want to date and marry a righteous, worthy member of the church, but it's proving difficult lately.  There's a LOT of cute guys out there.  And.....apparently, non-fat Manda isn't all that bad lookin.  ;)
I don't know how to casually date, nor do I think I'll exactly like it, so I have to be extra careful.  I don't doubt I'll date 2-3 guys before getting remarried.  I'm a relationship girl.  I fall in love very quickly. 
But, I deserve to be treated with love and respect, and want to have the Priesthood in my home.



Ok, new subject again.  My roots were growing out pretty bad, so I re-dyed my hair the other night.  It's all blonde now, just kind of different shades.  The front is still lightest, because it's bleached from the Pink hair days.  I like it.  I always thought my natural hair color was too dark anyhow.
I'll take some pictures tomorrow.


I'm actually kind of sad in a way about the Singles Branch.  I have to remove my membership from my home ward, and they've really grown to be very special to me.  I've been with them this past 3 months where my life has changed in every way possible.  I've made really good friends, and counselled with a really good Bishop. 
My Relief Society president said she prayed about a calling position for me, and never got a confirmation.  The Bishop never gave me one either, even after we'd discussed one.  It makes sence now.   The Lord.....he's a pretty smart dude.  (is calling God a "dude" blasphemous??)      ;)

School is.....tough.  Online school just plain stinks.  I will not do it again if I can help it.  Specially 2 classes and especially in the summer!!
I missed a test because I got my days mixed up.  It literally took my MAAAAYYBEE  A  to a D.
It'll be a miracle if I get a C.  I'm not amused. 
I'm trying so hard not to give up altogether, but its a struggle.
I only signed up for one class next semester, but it's gonna be a doozie.
And I am keeping my eyes peeled for either a 2nd job, or maybe, maybe, maybe, a different job that pays more and has more hours.


Ever since I returned to church, I have been listening to Christian music.  I am in love with it.
LDS music too, of course, both.   My ALL TIME favorite song, happens to also be my mom's favorite song.  It's Mercy Me's, I Can Only Imagine.     I have made many a car next to me probably laugh, because I am in my own world singing and dancing and worshipping the Lord with  every ounce of my being each and every time it comes on.  There's a few songs that do that to me.  It's an incredible feeling. 

I removed all the pictures of the hubby and I off the walls.  I thought it would be a super hard thing to do, and it was, but I replaced them with pictures I'd never put out....of Christ, the Prophet, Angels, and the Temple.  I was genuinely sad those had been in a box for 2 years.  It just emphasized to me the lack of the spirit in my home for so very long. 
I have one picture http://www.keatonprints.com/printslaugh.htm  of Christ holding up a laughing baby.
It is SO symbolic to me, because I KNOW he is with my bab(ies) right now.  They've been waiting patiently to come to me, and I am so excited to meet them one day.
I adore this picture. 


Um......
Oh, I bought my dogs a Gentle Leader collar.  It wraps around their nose, so when they pull or lunge, their head is pulled back, and they stop.  It's amazing.  Once the girls got used to it, they didn't pull AT ALL.  They sure tried a few times, but stopped immediately.  Even when passing the boxers that usually drive both big dogs nutty, all they did was try to go towards them, and came right back.  YAY.

Allrighty, I suppose I shall wrap it up.
I took a nap today, so I'm wide awake, even though I should be going to bed, to get up for church tomorrow.  Gonna bear my testimony, and I'm excited! 
Here, lets practice now:
"I'd like to bear my testimony.  I KNOW the Church is true.  I couldn't say that a few months ago.  I KNOW the love Christ has for me, and I strive to be worthy of that love and for the sacrifice he made for me through the Atonement.  I believe in the wisdom of the Prophet Thomas S. Monson, and the guidance he gives the church.  I believe in following the commandments to the utmost best of my ability, and am so thankful for the sacrament each week to repent of my sins.
I know the Lord has a plan for me, and I give my life to him to use as He sees fit.
I pray I can be a missionary throughout my life, both through my example and by glorifying the Lord in every thing I say and do. 
I thank him for the hardships in my life, for I know they are there to make me stronger, and because I am strong enough to endure them, and most importantly, that He is there to carry me through it. 
I am thankful for the scriptures and the example they are to me of how to live my life.
I say these things humbly, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."


Amen.    :)

Picture Update

Looking Back:  Pre-Surgery
307 lbs.  Unhappy and Fat

gah, I hate just looking at these pictures.  UUUGGGHHH.....

Last week, -80 lbs

Taken Today:  -86 lbs.  Happy, and "skinny".   :D

Things are going well.  My church announced a new Singles Branch forming next week!!  It will be perfect timing for the divorce.  And IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD!  I won't have to go all the way to Austin anymore!  Work is good too.  Really catching on and becoming quick.  :)
School starts up again in the fall, and I'm winding down the summer semester. 
Well, I better stop wasting time on here, and go take my test.  

:)   Manda

85 and 222!

Well, I hit 222 lbs today, for a total of 85 lbs lost.
Yay. 
I feel a little lack luster though, with realities of my divorce sinking in.

It's just over 2 weeks away, and panic is starting to set in.  I'm so worried about money.  I need to finish school so I can make more money, but I can't make money while going to school.  Argh.

Today I'm stuck in a mood of feeling like I will never fall in love again, or at least will never find the right guy.  He's not out there.  Like going to single's activities won't lead me anywhere.
I still feel like the fat girl begging to be loved. 

I am AAALLLLLMMMMOOOOSSSTTT officially a non plus sized person now. 
I'm right on the border.  It's crazy.  It's completely unchartered territory.

Ok, well, I gotta run, but I thought I'd update.  Will do body shots tomorrow after church so I look pretty.

:)  Manda

80!! BUM BUM BUM!!!!

Well I'm back on track!  I have officially hit 80 lbs now!!!  Oh, AAAANNDDD  I'm in the 220's   WHOOOOOOO!!!
I'll take some pictures the next time I'm presentable enough to not break the camera lense.  :D

I even got to take the dogs on a walk this morning.  I threw out all the carbs in my house (again)....yes, it wasn't the first time, and won't be the last time I'll be doing that.  It proved to be the key to getting my momentum back.  I lost a good 7 lbs in a week or so.

Work is going extremely well.  I really like it there.  Making some good friends too.  :)

School is going well.  If I do good on my finals, I SHOULD HOPEFULLY FINGERS CROSSED make A's in both classes.   I've got my schedule planned for fall semester, and its gonna be tough, but I can dooo iiitt!!

2 days ago, I found a pit bull running loose in the WalMart parking lot, on my way in to work.  Of course, I tried to catch it, and the darling thing came to me when called.  I put him in my car, and drove home, and set him up in the bathroom as quickly as I could.

On my lunch break, i rushed home to let the dogs out, and "Chance" (what I'm calling him) had torn up my bathroom.  Nothing too permanent thank goodness.  He pulled down all my towels, pulled out all the babywipes, knocked bottles all over, and did tear up my wooden mat some.

When I got home, I let him meet my dogs.  Normally I wouldn't expose my animals to a strange animal (diseases and whatnot), but he seemed quite healthy, and really couldnt just stay in the bathroom the whole time.   So, while leashed, I let him meet the others. 
They wrestled like mad.  It was worse when I took him off the leash.  I had to keep quirting them with water and yelling at them.
When I brought him in to meet the cats, he was leashed again.

This little man (still a puppy, but about 1/2 of full size grown) is sooo rambunctious.  He literally twirls. 
It was a pretty stressful night and morning with his getting into mischief, chasing cats, pottying in my house, and whining (more like shrieking) every time he was locked up, oh and not to mention the dogs wouldnt potty outside, they'd just wrestle. 

Well, in the morning, I took him over to Animal Control to get scanned for a microchip.  No chip.  But someone HAD called in looking for a dog matching his description.  When they called the guy back, the description matched up again.  So, I waited, and they came to get him.
Normally this would make me happy and sad, but this case I just felt off-put.
I was 4 thug looking guys that didn't even bother to bring in a leash, just a collar that was too small.  Then they picked up his front legs and toddler walked him to the car.
Chance's demeanor went from happy and smiling, to sullen and scared.
They didn't even say thank you to me. 
I got such an awful feeling.  I just hope they don't abuse him, and if they do, that he gets out again, and either I or Animal Control find him.  AC said they'd call me if he came back in.
I am thankful he's found his owners.  It was an answer to my prayer.  I just couldn't handle him on my own.


Other than that, life is good.  I'm doing my best to better myself in any way that I can.  It's really fun and exciting.  I lived locked up and shut off for too long.  Time to embrace life and have fun!!

Lots of Changes Since Last Post

Well, I apologize for my lack of posting.  I guess I didn't know how much or what exactly to share.  It's been 2 months since my husband dropped the divorce bomb on me. 
We've had many highs and lows since then, but have sort of evened out, and settled down.
We are getting a divorce.  It will be finalized Aug 18th.  I know it seems fast, but there's a few reasons behind it. 
Since this began, I started school.  The summer session started in June, and I'm taking 2 classes.  It's been tougher than I expected.  I chose online so I could get a job, and I'm not great at keeping up with reading.

I got a job, yay!!  I work at a local Wal Mart.  I really enjoy it.  The biggest problem is being on my feet the whole time.  The 8 hour shifts are the worst.  My foot has healed significantly since losing so much weight, but I think this is making me regress.  So, I'm trying to get in to see the podiatrist before I lose my insurance.

Church is going steady and strong.  I started having the missionaries come weekly to sort of go through the discussions with me again, and it has been so nice having their spirit in my home.  They even started doing service projects for me.  They helped me do yard work, and pulled up all the linoleum in my kitchen and bathroom, and laid down peel and stick!  It looks so great!
Just 2 days ago, I cooked a big "thank you" feast for em.  I made my famous sugar cookies, and even the health conscious one had a half dozen HERE!  :D

My weight loss has hit a bit of a snag.  I haven't had time or drive to exercise or walk in the mornings, and I've been eating candy and crap.  I'm to blame, and I'm not surprised I'm not losing.....
in fact, I'm kind of gaining.  UGH. 

I Hit my personal goal of 235....
It was the weight I'd put on my military ID back in 2005, and it was a lie back then, and has been ever since.  I ALMOST attained it when I did weight watchers, but not quite, so YAY!!
I continued to drop and actually saw the 220's for one day, and then it came back.
As of this morning, I'm at 234.  But I threw away the crap I'd brought in the house, and am trying to start fresh.
I honestly don't know why I eat candy and crap.  It makes my stomach feel awful the second I swallow, but it doesn't stop me.  It's an addiction, and the more I eat it, the worse it gets.

I had my 10 year high school reunion last month.  It was so great.  My goal had been to lose 50 lbs by then, and I was at 75!!  I fit into a size 16 dress, and felt not fat!  LOL!!

I'm on the left in the blue.

I had so much fun, and was so glad I went!!!

I was able to fit in to my prom dress too!  Here's the original pic, and the current pic!

In other news, I have been training my big dogs to not have to go in their cages when I'm at work.  I hated the idea of them being confined for long periods every day, and now they get to stretch and play and sleep on the bed or couches. 

They've been doing so great.  I try and leave a bone out for them, so they have something to chew on, instead of looking for something to chew on.

The only bad thing they've gotten into, was like day 2, the cats pulled out the rubber mouth opening to the garbage disposal, and Tink chewed it into a thousand pieces.  But, that was my fault sort of, because I normally put the sink stopper plug in it cuz I know the cats are obsessed with it.



Well, I'm gonna wrap up.  Things between me and the "hubby" are amicable.  We've talked at length about why this is happening, and some of it is my fault.  I was in a bad place for a long time.  Psysically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and he slowly fell out of love with me, and began to resent me.  I keep trying to tell him that the current me, is 180* different, but its too late. 
So, all I can do is continue to work on me, to better me, and to prepare for the future.

I'll try and update more often again.  LOVE YOU ALL!!!