Saturday, September 17, 2011

The BIG Game, and Why I Chose WLS

Well, my birthday was last week.  I was kind of dreading it, because it was my first after getting divorced.
I worked on my actual birthday, and it was awful.  It was payday, and everyone was there cashing checks.  At one point, I literally ran out of money.  I'd given one customer $200 in $5's and had a line of angry impatient people glaring at me.  All I could do was apologize, say I'm getting a loan, and then say "its my birthday, you can't be mad at me.  :)"  

So, the next day I went to the University of Texas vs Brigham Young University game at UT in Austin as my birthday present.
I'd heard about it through the mid-singles facebook page, so I assumed it was a mid-singles activity.  I imagined meeting some older guys, and having fun at the game making new friends.
Yeah, nope.....
It was a BYU Alumni sponsored event.  So, my friend and I went up, and at the tailgate party, were surrounded by BYU alum and families and couples and most of them had flown down from Utah.
It was still fun, but not what we expected.

Tail Gating

The game too, was fun, but again, not what we expected.  We were in the very very very top section.  It made it nice though, because we could lean against the railing on our backs.

I learned right away that I am a UT girl.  I wasn't sure which way I'd go at first, and the second it started, I knew.  This made sitting in the BYU section awkward!  They'd all stand and cheer and I'd sit there, and when it was our defense up, and we needed to be noisy, or we'd score, I'd be hooping and hollering, nearly by my lonesome. 

I loved all the band stuff.  Made me miss marching band, and wish I could be in a university band.  I was impressed.

The game itself was really close.  BYU was in the lead most of the game, with 2 field goals, and the UT scored a touchdown and fieldgoal, leading by 1.  Luckily, they held onto the lead, and won the game!!  YAY! 
Coming onto the field

After UT won

I had a good time, even if it wasn't what I'd anticipated.  I did however really really feel the void of my (ex)husband not being there.  UT is HIS team.  Half his wardrobe is UT shirts.  I thought about him close to the entire time, and how he woulda loved it.  How he shoulda been there.  :/

The next day, I gave a talk at church on Prophets of God during Sacrament meeting.  I went over my allotted time, but I think I delivered a good talk.  :)

Here's the outfit I wore last week.....

As for my weight loss progress.....I've hit a slump.  Again, it happens every other month at the very least. I start eating more and more carbs, and can't stop.  I couldn't turn down the cake in the breakroom, or the leftovers my friend left for me.  Or the candy I'd split with people. 
I'm certainly not losing right now, if anything I've gained a pound or two....  :P
But I've acknowledged it, and am TRYING HARD to stop. 
I'm obsessed with the Popsicle brand sugar free popsicles.  I eat probably 10 a day.  They're only like 5 carbs.  (which, do the math, that's a lot of carbs, I know, but shhh!!)

IF I am strict on my diet, here's how my daily meals tend to go.....
Morning:  hard boiled egg, or protein shake (PS)
Lunch: chicken or tuna salad, or egg, PS, or cheese
Breaks at work/snack: cheese stick, and nuts
Dinner: fajita chicken meat, or PS, or crab meat, or cheese, or turkey dog, or pork rhinds and cheese dip.

Really very little variation.  I've even gotten comments about it at work.  I don't do many veggies, because its a "waste" of tummy space when I need to get in my proteins.
Fruit is all carbs, and makes my stomach hurt, even though I've bought some this grocery trip. 
No breads unless I'm cheating, but I do have some crackers with my chicken salad.

I take a TON of vitamins to make up for my lack of fruits and veggies.  Every blood test I've taken post surgery shows good levels.

I can consume between 3-6 oz.  I have pushed past it before, and I severely regret it afterward. 

I've had a few people question my decision on doing weight loss surgery lately.  I think it's because I'm at a point where I'm not SEVERELY overweight anymore, and it seems like a cop-out.
I even had someone call me a cheater.
As you can see from my daily meal plan, there's nothing EASY about this.  I KNOW when I eat carbs, I will stop my weight loss, and potentially gain.  I am human, and I can only be strong for so long before breaking.  I do my best to fix it though.

My weight loss surgery has changed my life.  I was 307 lbs.  I was depressed, and in chronic pain in my foot every single day.  I was pre diabetic and had fertility problems.  And on A LOT of medication.
Today, I've lost 92 lbs, can walk long distances with little concern towards my feet, have my blood sugar well under control, and feel less depressed now (divorce and all) than I did back then.

I had tried Weight Watchers, and lost 55 lbs in a year.  Had I not torn a ligament and gotten nerve damage in my foot, I may have been able to continue that trend, and lost all that I needed to.  Unfortunately, my injury kept me from exercising at all, and I gained it all back. 
For me, WLS was my option.  It was my saving grace. 
It may have caused additional problems in my marriage, but it didn't cause them all.
And, there's NO way I would be as well off as I currently am IF I was still 307 lb, broken, sad Manda.

I may look different, but I FEEL like me.  I honestly, for the most part, still feel like I did 92 lbs ago.  I'm still Manda, I'm still a goof, I just don't feel fat, don't hurt, and am not depressed.

I am however, lonely.  I'm trying to make good choices, and not depend on a warm body, just because it's there.  My counsellor wants me to focus on working on me, and not replacing my husband. 
I know she's right, and that's pretty much is what it still is at this point. 
I'm just lonely and impatient.  I'm ready to start my family and live "happily ever after".  Not be single and struggle to survive on my own.  BLUGH. 

Ok, I went off on a side road there. 
In summary, I do not regret my decision to have weight loss surgery one bit.  It's NOT an easy way out by any means.  It was a ridiculously painful surgery, and the strictest diet I've ever been on. 
But like I said pre-surgery, it's worth it to me to sacrifice food to have my health, to be able to walk, and to have a baby. 
For any of you out there considering it, just weigh the pros and cons out.  Can you try a strict diet on your own first?  GO FOR IT, and if there's something in the way (like my foot injury), then this may be for you. 

Ok, good luck, be safe, and good night!!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Everything's Changing (Again)

First of all, let me just say, I think it's awesome that I actually have "readers", and that they actually want me to post!!  :D   THANKS VIV!!

It's been a little while since I posted, and I know I even said I'd post a picture of the new hair color.  Well, I TOOK the picture, I just didn't post it.  Heee.

So, here are a few of the last couple week's progress pictures.

I think this is post-dying.  Yes.  Indeed.
This was a few weeks ago.

About 2 Weeks Ago......

This was taken today.  Excuse the scruffy-ness.  Just got back from work.
Down 92 lbs.  Woot.

I look like a goober here.  Der.....
Oh, and I re-did my roots, and went a little blonder in the process.

School started last week.  It's gonna be tough..   I'm in pharmacology.  I'm glad I'm ONLY in that one class this semester.  It's gonna take all I got to stay up with it.
Work is good.  We're down a few people, so it's pretty much one person per shift.  You should hear all the comments we get from impatient people in line.  It REEEALLY sucks on paydays, and the line is out the door, and it's still just little ol me plugging away, one person at a time.

I hit another "milestone" I guess.  I am now down 92 lbs, and hit 215.   Ironically, I haven't gone down a size exactly, but the clothes I have are getting saggy.  I have a belt that I couldn't wear til I'd lost like 50 lbs, and now, I need to add belt holes to it, cuz it's not tight enough.

I started the Singles Branch.  It was a rough transition at first.  I completely and utterly missed my "home ward", and felt all out of place there.  But, about 3 weeks later, I am starting to make friends, and am not feeling like the odd man out anymore.  I like it.  I had had delusions of grandeur that I'd instantly meet cute mormon guys and we'd date.  Well.....the Lord is teaching me humility and patience.  I have a plethora of non-mormon, and retired gentlemen hitting on me, but none that I want to accept.
So, remember last post, the guy who said "hey Gorgeous" to me?  Yeah, we went out.  (I'm a sucker, I know).  He checked out a drink at my register, and wrote his number on the back of the receipt, and folded it up and handed it to me.  I actually have never had a guy give me his digits before. 
We texted some, then hung out some.  We sort of are dating, but not really.  He's technically the closest thing to the guy in my life, but.....yeah not really.  It's fizzled quite a bit here lately too.

I had a friend come temporarily move in with me.  Her and her two kids and two cats.  It's a very very full house now.  We were playing it by ear whether or not to make it permanent, and it looks like it won't be.  But that's been a big chunk of my time too.  Moving around and packing up things, to make room, and cleaning, and hanging out.  It's different with people around again.

My Ginger girl had to have surgery on her knee last week.  She tore her ACL.  She was forced to stay in a cage and be leashed walked all before surgery, and now for 8 weeks post surgery.  She's being a good sport, but is very much tired of being cooped up.  So, at night, I let her on the bed still.  Cuz otherwise she was freaking out in the cage by my bed, and waking me up every 2 hours and panting like a maniac.  So, for my sanity.....I caved.
Close up of her shaved bum and stitches.  She's been licking at em, hence the red.

Yes, I caved again, she's not cage long as she stays calm.  :P

Um, I guess lastly is the divorce.  It's final.  It went down on the 18th.  I had a newer friend come with me, and I'm glad she was there.  It was sad, yes, definitely, but it was more disappointing than anything.  This just feels like such a waste of such a good thing.  He and I had something very rare.  And through losing the gospel in our lives, and taking each other for granted, we lost that spark, that special-ness. 
As per my counseler's advice, I told him I still loved him.  I don't want anything from him, nor do I expect anything back, but I wanted him to know.  My mistake was, even though I didn't expect anything in return, I started to hope for it.  I started planning "our" future together again.  And.....I inevitably got yet another response that crashed me back down to earth. 
I'm not gonna say we'll never get back together again, anything is possible..... but I need to stop planning on it.  Or wishing for it.  I KNOW what I want.  I want a worthy priesthood holder, and to have an actual temple marriage for once.  I had a temple marriage on the surface only before.

I made a list of what I want in an eternal companion.....
It's like super long, and probably picky, but there's a lot of good stuff in it too. 

  • loving
  • caring
  • kind
  • funny
  • cute
  • respectful
  • animal lover
  • Mormon
  • Priesthood Holder
  • temple recommend
  • Return Missionary
  • wants big family
  • education
  • good job/income
  • potential
  • my age +/- 5 years
  • calm
  • peaceful
  • receptive of the Spirit
  • good family
  • not military (haha)
  • sweet
  • humble
  • God fearing
  • music lover
  • active
  • healthy
  • eats healthy
  • can and will cherish me
  • willing to lose a fight
  • charitable
  • Christlike
  • does service
  • will help support my animal rescue dream
  • non-drinker
  • non-smoker
  • non-swearer
  • bigger/stronger than me
  • thinks I'm adorable (cuz I like am...)
  • won't look at anyone else
  • can talk to me about anything
  • good role model
  • no tattoos
  • obeys Word of Wisdom
  • not a work-a-holic
  • handyman
  • good with kids
  • Good father
  • good husband
  • prays
  • makes me feel wanted and loved
  • supports my career
  • trustworthy
  • honorable
  • scout/eaglescout/likes to camp
  • I can be myself with him
  • forgiving
  • has a strong testimony

Yes, i know probably no one can live up to ALL of this, but a lot of these are similar, and a LOT are super important as well.  I'm trying to focus only on guys who can actually live up to this.  I'm also trying to much as I may want it, it's no longer how I can describe my (ex) husband.  That makes me sad, but I'm a big girl, and I'm moving on. 

:)  I promise to keep up with the writing more.  NIGHT!!!!