Saturday, August 6, 2011

Feeling Contemplative....

This will probably be a semi-long blog, but I've been thinking a lot.....

It has dawned on me that God has been removing people from my life who are not good for me, for whatever reason.  And almost in every circumstance, these people just STOP talking to me.  Even when I literally crawl on my hands and knees and beg their forgiveness (even if I did nothing wrong), these people will not even respond to me.
It has been excrutiating, but now, seeing the pattern, I can see God's hand in it.  He knows me.  He knows I do not let go of people, ever, and he makes a way for me to let go.
It doesn't really make it easier when it happens, but it does help me to keep from dwelling on the lost relationship.

Ironically, my husband fits into this category.  He did not stop talking to me, but he did want to remove himself completely from me.  I see that he is a "bad" influence for me, and unfortunately, so did he and the Lord.  I have accepted the loss of this relationship.  It saddens me, but its just something that happened.

The reason I am talking about this topic now, is because I have very recently lost a new friend from work.  We became close friends quickly, and I don't know why, but what feels like overnight, they stopped being my friend.  No reason, no talking, no eye contact.  Seriously bad de-ja-vu, except now I still see this person semi-daily, whereas the other lost friends just disappeared out of my life. 
I consider myself a decent person, not perfect by any means, but when I do wrong to someone, as soon as I realize it, I apologize, and try to rectify the situation.  I just wish I knew what I did. 

Ok, changing subject.
Less than 2 weeks to go til I'm single and on the prowl. 
I had a guy at work say "how you been Gorgeous?".  Hee.  I had to look up to see if he was actually talking to me.   I automatically love him.  LOL, just kidding....kinda. 
I have a bad habit of being interested in people BECAUSE they're interested in me.   No doubt a product of low self esteem over the years. 
I've caught the eye of probably every Hispanic gentleman in the store.  They're quite vocal about it, and give me "the look".  Which, often times creeps me out.  Specially when they're customers and muttering "sexy" stuff under their breath.  *shudders*
I had a stalker for a while.  Literal, genuine stalker.  Retired hispanic in a wheelchair customer - oh baby.
Started out he was just telling me I had a beautiful smile.  Then, I was the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen.  Then he wanted to write me a love letter.  Then, he wanted my phone number, a picture, and to take me out to lunch.  When I'd say NO, he started saying "I love you" over and over and louder and louder. 
Yeah, I had to report him.  I haven't seen him in weeks thank goodness! 

I told myself I want to date and marry a righteous, worthy member of the church, but it's proving difficult lately.  There's a LOT of cute guys out there.  And.....apparently, non-fat Manda isn't all that bad lookin.  ;)
I don't know how to casually date, nor do I think I'll exactly like it, so I have to be extra careful.  I don't doubt I'll date 2-3 guys before getting remarried.  I'm a relationship girl.  I fall in love very quickly. 
But, I deserve to be treated with love and respect, and want to have the Priesthood in my home.

Ok, new subject again.  My roots were growing out pretty bad, so I re-dyed my hair the other night.  It's all blonde now, just kind of different shades.  The front is still lightest, because it's bleached from the Pink hair days.  I like it.  I always thought my natural hair color was too dark anyhow.
I'll take some pictures tomorrow.

I'm actually kind of sad in a way about the Singles Branch.  I have to remove my membership from my home ward, and they've really grown to be very special to me.  I've been with them this past 3 months where my life has changed in every way possible.  I've made really good friends, and counselled with a really good Bishop. 
My Relief Society president said she prayed about a calling position for me, and never got a confirmation.  The Bishop never gave me one either, even after we'd discussed one.  It makes sence now.   The Lord.....he's a pretty smart dude.  (is calling God a "dude" blasphemous??)      ;)

School is.....tough.  Online school just plain stinks.  I will not do it again if I can help it.  Specially 2 classes and especially in the summer!!
I missed a test because I got my days mixed up.  It literally took my MAAAAYYBEE  A  to a D.
It'll be a miracle if I get a C.  I'm not amused. 
I'm trying so hard not to give up altogether, but its a struggle.
I only signed up for one class next semester, but it's gonna be a doozie.
And I am keeping my eyes peeled for either a 2nd job, or maybe, maybe, maybe, a different job that pays more and has more hours.

Ever since I returned to church, I have been listening to Christian music.  I am in love with it.
LDS music too, of course, both.   My ALL TIME favorite song, happens to also be my mom's favorite song.  It's Mercy Me's, I Can Only Imagine.     I have made many a car next to me probably laugh, because I am in my own world singing and dancing and worshipping the Lord with  every ounce of my being each and every time it comes on.  There's a few songs that do that to me.  It's an incredible feeling. 

I removed all the pictures of the hubby and I off the walls.  I thought it would be a super hard thing to do, and it was, but I replaced them with pictures I'd never put out....of Christ, the Prophet, Angels, and the Temple.  I was genuinely sad those had been in a box for 2 years.  It just emphasized to me the lack of the spirit in my home for so very long. 
I have one picture  of Christ holding up a laughing baby.
It is SO symbolic to me, because I KNOW he is with my bab(ies) right now.  They've been waiting patiently to come to me, and I am so excited to meet them one day.
I adore this picture. 

Oh, I bought my dogs a Gentle Leader collar.  It wraps around their nose, so when they pull or lunge, their head is pulled back, and they stop.  It's amazing.  Once the girls got used to it, they didn't pull AT ALL.  They sure tried a few times, but stopped immediately.  Even when passing the boxers that usually drive both big dogs nutty, all they did was try to go towards them, and came right back.  YAY.

Allrighty, I suppose I shall wrap it up.
I took a nap today, so I'm wide awake, even though I should be going to bed, to get up for church tomorrow.  Gonna bear my testimony, and I'm excited! 
Here, lets practice now:
"I'd like to bear my testimony.  I KNOW the Church is true.  I couldn't say that a few months ago.  I KNOW the love Christ has for me, and I strive to be worthy of that love and for the sacrifice he made for me through the Atonement.  I believe in the wisdom of the Prophet Thomas S. Monson, and the guidance he gives the church.  I believe in following the commandments to the utmost best of my ability, and am so thankful for the sacrament each week to repent of my sins.
I know the Lord has a plan for me, and I give my life to him to use as He sees fit.
I pray I can be a missionary throughout my life, both through my example and by glorifying the Lord in every thing I say and do. 
I thank him for the hardships in my life, for I know they are there to make me stronger, and because I am strong enough to endure them, and most importantly, that He is there to carry me through it. 
I am thankful for the scriptures and the example they are to me of how to live my life.
I say these things humbly, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

Amen.    :)


Artsy Ali said...

Love you, Manda! :)

Kellie said...

I really am very happy for you! I hope things get better and better and that you find your Prince Charming :)